Starting the Campaign Only Four Years Early
Political insiders report that Kamala Harris has already begun her 2028 presidential campaign, proving that if there’s one thing America loves more than elections, it’s never-ending election cycles that start before the previous administration has finished unpacking. Campaign strategists call it “getting ahead of the curve.” Normal humans call it “exhausting.” Both are correct, but only one group gets paid consulting fees for their assessment.
The early campaign launch represents a bold new strategy: why let voters rest when you can keep them in a perpetual state of political anxiety? Focus groups have shown that Americans respond positively to having literally no break between elections, especially when combined with targeted advertising and panic-inducing fundraising emails. It’s democracy meets marathon training, and everyone’s already cramping.
Harris’s 2028 platform, currently being workshopped by a team of consultants who definitely overthink everything, promises to address issues that haven’t even become issues yet. “We’re getting ahead of future problems,” explains one strategist, presumably with a crystal ball and a concerning lack of humility. The campaign slogan, “Tomorrow Starts Four Years Ago,” is either brilliantly meta or evidence that everyone involved needs a vacation. Probably both.
The timing of this announcement raises questions about what exactly Harris’s team thinks will happen between now and 2028. Are they assuming the next four years will be so predictable that they can plan now? Have they discovered time travel? Or is this just what happens when campaign staffers have too much coffee and access to PowerPoint? The third option seems most likely, but we’re keeping our minds open to temporal paradoxes.
Critics across the political spectrum have united in their shared exhaustion at the prospect of another years-long campaign. “Can we at least finish this decade before starting the next election?” pleads one voter who just wants to watch TV without seeing political ads. The answer, apparently, is no. The perpetual campaign machine must be fed, and it hungers for donations, attention, and the slow erosion of everyone’s sanity.
Campaign finance experts estimate that a four-year presidential campaign will cost approximately one billion dollars, which could alternatively fund numerous useful things but won’t because politics. The money will instead flow into consultants’ pockets, television ad buys, and increasingly desperate mailers that smell like panic and desperation. It’s the circle of political life, and it’s wildly expensive.
Supporters of the early campaign launch argue that it gives Harris time to build name recognition, as if the former Vice President and presidential candidate is some unknown quantity that Americans need four years to learn about. “People need time to get to know her,” explains one supporter who apparently believes voters have the memory span of goldfish with amnesia. It’s either strategic thinking or insulting to everyone’s intelligence. Again, probably both.
Other potential 2028 candidates are now scrambling to launch their own four-year campaigns, creating a political arms race where victory goes to whoever can annoy voters the earliest. By this logic, smart politicians should be launching their 2032 campaigns immediately, and somewhere a consultant just got an idea that will make everyone miserable. The future of American democracy is apparently a permanent campaign that never ends, which sounds dystopian but is actually just Tuesday.
As this campaign unfolds over the next four yearsbarring meteor strikes, alien invasions, or collective common sense breaking outone thing is certain: American politics has officially jumped the shark, landed in a pool of donation requests, and decided to just live there permanently. Buckle up, voters. It’s going to be a long, expensive, and deeply exhausting ride to 2028, and we’re starting right now whether anyone wants to or not.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/kamala-harris-2028/
SOURCE: Bohiney.com (https://bohiney.com/kamala-harris-2028/)
