Tear Gas Becomes ‘Spooky Fog Effects’
In a stunning display of political spin that would make Orwell’s head spin, Democratic officials have rebranded last week’s tear-gassed ICE protest as a “festive Halloween parade”, complete with retroactive costume classifications and what they’re calling “atmospheric enhancement effects.” The riot shields? Those were obviously “knight costumes.” The tear gas canisters? “Fog machines for ambiance.” And those screaming protesters? “Very committed haunted house actors.”
City officials held a press conference to explain the rebranding, standing in front of a PowerPoint presentation titled “Protest to Parade: A Case Study in Creative Event Management.” The mayor, wearing what appeared to be a forced smile and possibly a neck brace from all the mental gymnastics, explained that “semantics matter” and “perception is reality,” which are definitely things you say when reality is extremely inconvenient.
The rebranding effort includes updating all news footage from the event with helpful chyrons like “Participants Enjoying Spooky Season” and “Citizens Exercising Their Right to Be Scared.” Police in riot gear are now described as “authentically costumed law enforcement enthusiasts,” and the pepper spray has been reclassified as “pumpkin spice atmospheric deterrent.” It’s amazing what you can accomplish with a thesaurus and absolutely no shame.
Local news outlets, initially confused about how to cover a protest-turned-parade, have settled on the compromise of running both narratives simultaneously. “Tonight: Local Halloween Parade Dispersed with Chemical AgentsParticipants Awarded Most Authentic Zombie Costumes” reads one headline, which is either brilliant satire or a sign that journalism has finally given up entirely. We’re betting on the latter.
The rebranding has inspired other cities to reimagine their own politically inconvenient events. Portland is considering calling its next protest a “flash mob,” Seattle is workshopping “aggressive community theater,” and San Francisco is leaning toward “interpretive dance with occasional property damage.” It turns out you can rebrand anything if you believe in yourself and have access to a good PR firm.
Citizens who participated in the original protestsorry, “parade”are divided on the rebranding. Some appreciate the city’s creativity, noting that being tear-gassed is much more palatable when you can tell your grandkids you were in a Halloween parade. Others are less enthusiastic, suggesting that calling a protest a parade is like calling a mugging a “surprise wealth redistribution event.” Potato, potatoexcept you can’t say that in text format, which kind of undermines the whole metaphor.
Political analysts are studying this rebranding effort as a potential template for future damage control. Why admit mistakes when you can simply recontextualize events until they sound festive? Next year’s campaign slogans write themselves: “Vote Democrat: Where Every Disaster is Just a Themed Event Waiting to Happen.” It’s honest, it’s creative, and it’s probably already being focus-grouped as we speak.
As this story develops, one thing is certain: the line between political reality and satirical fiction has become so blurred that even the satirists are getting confused. But hey, at least everyone got some great costume ideas out of it. Nothing says Halloween spirit like questioning the nature of truth itself.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/democrats-rebrand-tear-gassed-ice-protest-as-halloween-parade/
SOURCE: Sarah Pappalardo (https://bohiney.com/democrats-rebrand-tear-gassed-ice-protest-as-halloween-parade/)
