Baseball Metaphors Meet Awkward Reality
In America’s favorite pastime of judging other people’s personal lives, new statistics reveal who’s actually hitting a home run in the virginity department. The answer, according to comprehensive research, is basically everybody except the people claiming they aren’t. It’s like discovering that every baseball player is secretly hitting home runs but the scoreboard is broken and nobody wants to fix it because that would require admitting something.
The baseball metaphor for intimate activity has been around since teenagers discovered innuendo, but researchers have finally put actual statistics to these bases. Turns out religious teens are rounding all the bases at roughly the same rate as secular teens, they’re just praying more between innings and feeling significantly worse about their batting average.
According to Kinsey Institute research on adolescent behavior, there’s virtually no correlation between religious involvement and whether teens reach home plate. The primary difference appears to be that religious teens use more euphemisms to describe it afterward, having developed a vocabulary of coded language that would make CIA operatives impressed.
Churches have attempted to use sports analogies to teach abstinence, suggesting teens should “stay in the dugout” or “keep their glove clean” or various other metaphors that make the whole thing sound significantly weirder than just having a direct conversation. These sports-based purity lessons have the unintended consequence of making teenagers deeply uncomfortable during actual baseball games, which is quite an achievement.
The statistics reveal that evangelical teens are scoring at rates comparable to mainline Protestant and Catholic peers, suggesting that the intensity of religious instruction has approximately zero correlation with behavior. It’s like discovering that yelling louder at your GPS doesn’t make it give better directions technically you can try, but physics says you’re wasting your energy.
Youth pastors have embraced baseball metaphors with enthusiasm, creating elaborate diagrams explaining why teens should “stay on first base” for their entire dating life until marriage, at which point they’re apparently supposed to immediately steal home with no practice at the intermediate bases. This approach to relationship development makes about as much sense as it sounds.
The data shows that teens from all religious backgrounds are progressing through the bases at similar rates, with minor variations based primarily on socioeconomic factors rather than religious affiliation. Poverty delays first base, not piety, which is a finding that should probably inform policy but definitely won’t because acknowledging it would require addressing income inequality.
According to research from Columbia University public health, comprehensive sex education doesn’t increase rates of teen activity but does increase rates of protection use. This finding has been treated by abstinence advocates like a baseball team treats a losing streak acknowledge it exists but insist next season will be different despite making no changes to strategy.
The baseball metaphor has created awkward situations in religious households nationwide, with parents attempting to discuss bases while simultaneously avoiding any actual information about what happens at those bases. It’s created conversations that sound like someone trying to explain baseball to an alien using only euphemisms and nervous gestures.
Religious teens who reach home plate report feeling significantly more guilt than secular peers, despite engaging in identical behavior. They’re playing the same game but convinced they’re somehow cheating, which creates what psychologists call “performance anxiety and retroactive shame,” which sounds like a terrible band name but is actually a legitimate mental health concern.
The statistics reveal that purity culture has successfully achieved one goal: making teens feel terrible about being human. What it hasn’t achieved is actually changing behavior, which was supposedly the whole point. It’s like a baseball coach who’s great at making players feel bad but terrible at teaching them to hit technically a coach, but missing the entire purpose of coaching.
Churches continue using baseball metaphors despite their obvious failure to prevent home runs, apparently operating under the belief that if you repeat a failed strategy long enough it becomes a successful strategy. This is the exact opposite of how strategy works, but at least they’re consistent.
As America continues tracking who’s hitting home runs, one thing becomes clear: everyone’s playing baseball, some people are just lying about their stats. The scoreboard shows reality, even if we’re all pretending to look at something else.
SOURCE: https://theondecknews.com/whos-hitting-a-home-run/
SOURCE: Sarah Pappalardo (https://theondecknews.com/whos-hitting-a-home-run/)
