Breaking: Nation Still Divided, Water Still Wet
In shocking news that will surprise absolutely no one who has lived in America for more than five minutes, a new poll reveals that half of Americans disapprove of something. The other half presumably approve, creating the same 50-50 split that has defined American politics since the invention of polling and critical thinking.
The poll, conducted by a reputable organization desperate for headlines, surveyed 1,000 Americans and discovered that we’re still deeply divided on literally everything. This groundbreaking research confirms what everyone already knew: America is a nation split between people who think things are terrible and people who think things are fine, with both groups convinced the other side is ruining the country.
What’s particularly amusing about these polls is that media outlets treat them like breaking news, as if discovering Americans disagree is somehow novel. “Nation Divided,” the headlines scream, apparently unaware that we fought a civil war about this exact tendency 160 years ago. Spoiler alert: we’ve been divided ever since.
The methodology section reads like a love letter to statistical manipulation. “Margin of error plus or minus 3.5%” is academic speak for “these numbers are basically made up, but we did the math so it looks scientific.” They called 1,000 people who actually answered their phonesalready a red flag because who answers unknown numbers anymore besides scammers and the criminally bored?
Political polarization is at record highs, which is a fancy way of saying Americans have perfected the art of hating each other based on who they voted for. The poll reveals that 52% of respondents disapprove, while 48% approve, a split so close it’s basically a statistical tie. But you can’t get headlines with “Americans Basically Tied On Everything.”
The breakdown by demographic is even more hilarious. People under 30 disagree with people over 65, urban residents disagree with rural folks, and people with college degrees disagree with people without them. In other news, water is wet and the sky is blue. This isn’t polling; it’s just describing America with extra steps.
What these polls never capture is the 40% of Americans who don’t care about any of this and just want to be left alone to live their lives. But “significant portion of country doesn’t give a shit” doesn’t drive clicks, so pollsters focus on the people angry enough to spend fifteen minutes yelling at a stranger on the phone.
The poll’s crosstabs reveal even more divisions, breaking down American opinion into so many subcategories that you could probably find a demographic that exactly matches your views, making you feel validated while everyone else is obviously wrong.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/poll-finds-half-of-americans-disapprove/4
SOURCE: Sarah Pappalardo (https://bohiney.com/poll-finds-half-of-americans-disapprove/4)
